I'm afraid this is going to be a grumpy/whiney post. I'm using the blog as a bit of an outlet here.
A week on Monday I have two essays due in. One is on semiotic mapping in functional music. The other is about the value of music...how it's defined. But the problem is, the deeper I delve into these topics...the more I think..."what's the point in me doing this?"
We have to do a lot of reading around each of these topics to support our arguments. It's painful. To someone who's interested in these subjects I imagine it's fascinating, but personally I struggle to maintain concentration for more that 30 seconds at a time. My reaction to whatever I read is "why does it matter? Why don't you just enjoy the music?" Sure, studying it can be useful sometimes. The functional music essay is more 'useful' in terms of composition ideas/rules, but music is SO subjective. Everyone has a different opinion when it comes to what constitutes musical value. Why try to define it? Why does it matter that I love Enya's music and you think she's boring? Your reasoning as to why she's dull is not going to persuade me that she is, because I like her. That's that. I'm not going to suddenly fall in love with your genre because you like it, and tell me it has more 'value' than mine.
Also, I'm awful at reading. Unless I'm really, genuinely interested in what I'm reading, I'm there for 5 minutes, and then off making a cup of tea or writing a song. I used to read a lot of fiction when I was younger, and then I read the literature that I had to for English at school, but I've only read one or two apart from that. I'd MUCH rather read fiction, or an inspirational book, than a non-fiction book or one on analysis. But as I said, it's not often at all that I choose to read a book. Because if I have spare time, I normally choose to do music. Or write here. ;)
One thing that's also infuriating me recently is the way in which I feel I'm being treated due to my lack of...hmm...engagement...in the course. I do my work on time (despite whinging at you guys about it), and I do it to the best of my ability. However, I do my work when I do it, and I don't want to talk about it when I'm done. It doesn't rule my life, and I'm not planning on a career in academia. I just want to graduate and get on with my life. Therefore, naturally, I probably do not apply myself as much as someone who wants to be an academic etc. - and when it comes to being successful at Uni, I really do feel that it's one big memory test. You have to remember all the 'facts' and 'methodologies' that are thrown at you, and apply them where and when they should be applied. Now to the part I'm actually annoyed at...
The fact that I'm not great at remembering things I'm not interested in does NOT mean that I'm thick, and therefore, I'd prefer not to be treated so.
This is going to sound kind of lame, but the other day I was sat in my room feeling quite down. I was struggling with my essays, and actually felt pretty thick after some comments that had been made with regard to my intelligence, so I took an IQ test to see if I was ACTUALLY as below average as I felt I'd been made out to be. On the test I got 132, which is actually ok, and made me feel better, but after I'd taken the test I got annoyed at how I'd let myself feel that way. I'm way too sensitive. Sometimes I think that because I smile and laugh at things that people say, they assume I don't care. But afterwards I think about things that have been said and I do really take them to heart. Then I write an angry song. Lol.
I so wish I could write a song/get on with my album right now! But I'm stuck with these essays for the time being. I just want to get on, graduate, and live my life. I feel everything I want to do is on hold whilst I'm doing something I don't want to do. Bummeroony.
I shall leave you with this song. I feel it has value because I like it. And I listen to it because I enjoy listening to it, and it makes me feel comforted. Why? Because it just does. I'm happy with that. I don't feel the need to delve any deeper.
Wow. There's the scorpio's sting.
Lots of love