And the topic of this blog…
Independence is something that, until recently, I've not truly grasped. There has always been the comfort of home, having my family around me to reassure my thoughts, comfort me when things aren't going well…and to be honest, when it comes to home comforts I think I've been pretty spoilt. I'm not saying that in a bad way…and I'm not saying that my parents stuff me with junk food and pander to me all day every day - though the cups of tea are always flowing! I mean it in the most positive way possible. I'm very lucky to be part of a household that is very close. I feel like I can tell my parents anything, and I do. So when it came to going to University I wasn't mega sure how I'd get on.. I knew that I'd miss home, but with things like the internet and mobiles, I knew that my family was just a phone call away.
But even with this very strong connection with my family, I found that I was quite strong when it came to living on my own. I didn't find it hard to make my own decisions and be satisfied with my own judgements. I didn't feel scared and I just got on with things. When you have someone there to help you with things all the time it's easy to become lazy, but in the end it's a lot more satisfying to do things for yourself. Before I went to University I felt like a bit of a prude. Well…I didn't consciously feel like one, I just knew that I wasn't the most fun/adventurous person in the world, and I wondered how University life would suit me. Naturally I was nervous, but I never thought that I wouldn't be able to cope. I was lucky enough to be put in a house with some truly lovely people, who I now feel very privileged to call my friends. And I feel that around these friends I can be fun…and it has brought out a side of my personality that I was never sure existed. I'm not saying that I'm a mega rebel who does lots of dodgy stuff and gets into trouble now, but I have realised how important it actually is to not take yourself too seriously. Not that I took myself very seriously before, but I've now realised it's a lot more fulfilling to be a little braver and more confident in who you are…that way you know that your friends really are your friends, and if people don't like you then that's up to them.
When I came back home I found it really hard to adjust. I know it's all in my brain, but when I went away I felt like I grew up a lot over a relatively short period of time and picked up a lot of new of information that I'm now squishing back into my 'at home' brain.
I'm not sure what the point of this little rant is…but I felt that I needed to write something down to work things out in my head.
It's not that I don't like being at home. - I love it, but it feels odd because now I feel like I have another home in Surrey too, and I miss it. Just as I miss here when I'm there.
I guess it's good that I feel this way really. Otherwise I'd be sat on the sofa at home forever, not wanting to leave. I think perhaps that it's just becoming apparent that now is the time when it is completely up to me where I want to go and how I want to be. I need to follow what makes me happy and go with my gut instinct.
As the end of a slightly more 'emotionally eventful' (boyfriend/not/uni/above stuff etc.) year approaches, I'm becoming aware that I need to learn to listen to my gut instinct more and trust what I feel deep down. I realise that there's no point in being lazy and going with the flow, feeling things and not acting on them. Those feelings are kind of precious and rare so should be acted upon whilst they exist.
Thinking about it slightly more clearly now…I think it's a kind of guilt thing. I feel unsettled and odd because I feel like I'm being disloyal to my love for home and family, because I'm enjoying University and the company of my new friends. Which is silly. If I let that stop me then I really would be sat on the sofa forever. What a plonker.
I just need to go with the flow and chill out a bit more I guess.
Ever so slightly confusing and pointless rant over. ;)
P.S - Whenever I feel like I'm whinging about something that's not all that important (like this) I always feel a tad bad about it. It's just me thinking aloud really. I'm not trying to make a specific point…I just think that maybe one day someone might read the thinkety things and think…oh yeah I know that feeling, and now I don't feel silly for feeling it…anyhow. :)
Lots of love xxxxx