I feel today like I haven't felt for a long time. It's hard to explain what kind of mood that is, but it's one which includes writing in my blog, so I'm sorry - but you may have to put up with a bit of random, meaningless rambling today. ;)
It's the feeling that I had in the long holiday after GCSE. It's a kind of naive...hopeful feeling. I'm not saying that I've been feeling depressed, or in a state of lacking hope...but before the exams, possibly since September, I've been feeling...kind of...flat. A bit nothingy. But during the past few days things have picked up, and that may have something to do with the videos. It feels like I can see clearly again and I'm more aware of my own thoughts. I'm enjoying listening to music again, and it makes me feel like it used to - alive - and passionate. I think passion was the missing component. But now I want to learn, I want to listen and improve. I want to create things and get things wrong so that I know how to do them properly the next time around. I'm going to delve into the misty depths that comprise my own confusing little mind and try to make some sense of what's going on in there.
I was also thinking today about why I feel awkward talking to people. I find it particularly difficult talking with people my own age. When I make friends it always to seems to be on the surface. I feel like I'm not telling them everything. I tend to think...if I can't even understand me then I'm not really giving them a chance. I find talking to adults easier. I like to think about serious things - things that are to do with life, love, real things, the way we are. And because that's led me to think in such a serious way, I find that when I talk to people who are my own age, it feels like I have to 'adapt'. Sometimes Ben and I talk and he tells me to 'be a teenager'. I think he's right, but it's hard to change just like that, and I cant, because my heart wouldn't be in it if I tried. I like talking to interesting people who have stories to tell, rather than learning what's hot and what's not. Fashion doesn't really interest me. I like to wear what I like to wear and if that's what's 'in' then so be it, but I wouldn't change just to be a clone. We're born to be different, so what's the point in being the same? I think nature's giving us a bit of a clue there.
I ought to go now. I'm sorry about the waffle, I just thought I'd speak before I lost the moment.
Night night xxxxx
P.S - I love you guys oxoxoxo :)